Greg Schwem

Humor Hotel

As the 2022 midterm elections draw closer, now seems a perfect time to write about cheating.

The political air is already rife with cheating accusations, most lobbed by Republican candidates loyal to their esteemed leader, Donald Trump. The ex-president continues to whine that all 2020 votes cast for him were perfectly legal and all votes for Joe Biden were fraudulent, but only in pivotal states. Although it’s difficult to reason with anyone who believes such nonsense, I’ve tried, using a tennis analogy whenever possible.

“Suppose Novak Djokovic loses to Rafa Nadal in five sets at the U.S. Open,” I begin, pausing for signs of name recognition. I continue only after assuring my student that neither player is a member of the Jan. 6 committee.

“Nadal wins and Djokovic immediately protests, claiming all his shots were ‘in,’ yet some of Nadal’s shots, particularly the ones occurring on deuce and ad points, were ‘out.'”

I’m getting a little heavy into tennis minutiae, but hear me out.

“Mr. Djokovic,” a tennis official replies, “all the line calls in your match were made using electronic technology.”

“Those machines are rigged!!!,” screams Djokovic.

“OOOOOK, but your match also featured professional lines people who could overrule the technology at any time.”

“All Nadal fans!,” screams Djokovic.

Two other “sports,” and I use that term loosely, are currently dealing with cheating scandals. One is still in the accusation stage, but the other contains proof of shenanigans. At the recently completed Lake Erie Walleye Trail fishing tournament, anglers grew skeptical when fish caught by original winners Jacob Runyan and Chase Cominsky weighed suspiciously more than their length. I know the feeling; my doctor tells me the same thing every year during my physical.

A tournament official cut into several fish and found them stuffed either with filets or, in some cases, lead weights. Now I’d be happy eating a walleye whose insides contained another fish. Ever eaten crab-stuffed lobster? It’s delicious! But sinking my teeth into a metal ball? Different story.

Officials stripped the pair of their titles, and a grand jury has indicted both men on charges ranging from grand theft to possession of criminal tools, to being stupid enough to stand idly by as their fellow fishermen hurled profanities their way and filmed the confrontations for YouTube.

Then there’s the case of chess grandmaster Hans Niemann. The 19-year-old American has already confessed to cheating in online games by using software to determine his best move. But now Niemann is being investigated for possible cheating during in-person or “over the board” games.

I don’t know how this is possible. Did Niemann say to his opponent, “Hey, look behind you!” then move his pieces around and proclaim “checkmate?” That’s a question for chess authorities. I will not weigh in, considering my chess knowledge is limited to repeated viewings of “The Queen’s Gambit” on Netflix and knowing the “pointy-hatted guy” moves diagonally.

My point is, no matter the event, someone is always looking to game the system. Technology has only made those quests easier, although there was nothing technical about stuffing fish with lead. But electronic voting machines and vote counting methods are being used as excuses for poor results, in some cases BEFORE any votes have been counted. Witness Arizona Republican gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake who, prior to her August primary, claimed her election was rigged.

Then she won.

“We outvoted the fraud,” she said.

On Nov. 8, we will go to the polls and cast ballots, unless we already did during early voting. Results will be challenged by candidates from both parties, even candidates who lost by millions, billions or gajillions. We will claim the other side cheated and then we will claim the system needs fixing while surreptitiously developing methods to cheat even more. That is where we are as a country.

Game. Set. Match.

(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of two books: “Text Me If You’re Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad” and the recently released “The Road To Success Goes Through the Salad Bar: A Pile of BS From a Corporate Comedian,” available at Amazon.com. Visit Greg on the web at www.gregschwem.com.)

(C)2022 Greg Schwem. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.